Top 10 Stupid Things Horror Movies Teach Us Not To Do
If you spend any amount of time watching scary movies, you know they are packed from beginning to end with stupid people who do stupid things that get themselves killed. You usually can identify these horror movie morons quite easily because they are the ones who make you stand up and start yelling at the screen. Of course, what you should and should not do in a scary, crisis situation always seems so obvious when you’re sitting in the theater and the creepy music starts to play and you suspect something is about to happen. But, without that creepy music to warn you of impending danger, are you still vigilant enough to avoid doing the things that would get you killed if you were in a horror movie?
Here’s a list of 10 stupid things that horror movies teach us we should never do if we want to avoid walking into a potentially disastrous and frightening life-and-death situation, and what you should do instead if you want to increase your chances of staying alive.
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Never listen to the guy who suggests you split up! (Cabin in the Woods)
1. Splitting Up The Group
Splitting up your group in the woods, a cave, a haunted house, a dark space station, or some other creepy location, is a sure sign that you and your buddies are going to be picked off one by one by some creature of the night. It might be an alien. It might be a vampire. Or, it might be some unstoppable killing machine, like Michael Meyers (Halloween) or Jason Voorhes (Friday the 13th). Even if you split up into teams of two, one of those teams is probably going to start making out and they’re going to wind up getting pitch-forked to a wall. It’s a fact of nature: the sheep that walks off from the herd is the one the wolves go after first.
Do this instead: There is safety in numbers. Stay together and find whatever weapons you can find and then circle the wagons! Form a human circle with everyone facing out. That way you can’t be surprised from any angle. Don’t forget to look up and down, too, because creatures of the night like to fly in from above and grab your feet from the ground down below.
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Your bathroom door isn’t going to protect you in a real crisis!
2. Running Upstairs To Escape
When something attacks you in your own house, you should never run up the stairs. What are you going to do up there? Sprout wings and fly out a second story window? No, of course not. And don’t think your flimsy bathroom door is going to save you either. An angry old lady with an irritatingly small bladder could easily beat down most bathroom doors. It’s not going to offer you much in the way of protection from something meaner and stronger that is trying to kill you. Unless you happen to have a solid steel bunker where your linen closet is supposed to be, running upstairs is always a bad idea. By running upstairs, you’re just going to wind up getting cornered in your bedroom by a masked serial killer who is going to throw you out a window and you’re going to get impaled on your white picket fence. The whole “getting impaled on a picket fence” thing will just hamper your chances of getting away safely.
Do this instead: Run out the back door or run to the kitchen and grab some large knives. Just like the mother in Gremlins, two knives will help you defend yourself if a creature hiding in a Christmas tree decides to attack you. The alternative is to run into the basement. Chances are good that you’ll have much better options for weapons in your basement than you will in your clothes closet. You can do more damage with a bottle of bleach and a lawn mover from the basement than you can with a sweater vest and a pair of old sneakers from your closet. And, it’s easier to crawl out of a basement window than it is to leap from a second floor window.
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Take this poster’s advice when you suspect hauntings!
3. Staying In A House You Suspect May Be Haunted
Yes, I know you paid a fortune in closing costs for your own little Amityville Horror. But when inanimate objects start floating across the room and doors start slamming on their own, it’s only going to get worse. Pretty soon, you’re going to start hearing voices and your daughter’s head is going to start spinning around while she pukes up pea soup all over her new Hunger Games comforter set. You can call the team from Ghost Hunters on the Sy-Fy Channel to come investigate your house, but why take the chance that some unseen evil force is going to fling your good China across the room or spew up dead bodies in your pool?
Do this instead: Cough up some cash for a few nights at the nearest Super 8 motel while you talk to your real estate agent about getting the house re-listed. If it doesn’t sell right away, call the Sy-Fy Channel and see if they would be willing to film a new reality series in your haunted house. If they turn you down, set up some cameras, capture some ghost activity, put it on YouTube, get a million hits, and turn the house into a tourist attraction while you live peacefully somewhere else off the proceeds.
Do you really think you can outrun something that big?
4. Trying To Outrun A 50-Foot Monster
When you see King Kong or Godzilla stomping down the street, it’s never a good idea to try to get away from them by running straight down the same street they’re currently stomping down. The bigger the monster, the fewer steps it’s going to take for him to catch up to you and squish you beneath his feet. The same goes for rampaging dinosaurs and large, renegade robots. You won’t ever be able to outrun them.
Do this instead: This one is a no brainer. Run down a side alley or street that runs perpendicular to the direction the monster is going. Then when he passes you, start running in the opposite direction he’s headed. And don’t scream, because then he might hear you and change directions just to keep you from getting away.
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How do you not see something that big hiding in your back seat?
5. Getting In A Vehicle Without Checking The Back Seat
When you are all alone in a dark parking lot, there is no question that something is probably hiding in your back seat, waiting for you to get in the car so it can bite you in the neck. There could very well be a giant amorphous blob or some escaped serial killer hiding back there.
Do this instead: Open the door and let the light come on. Check and make sure the back seat is empty. If you have any bags back there, grab your tire iron and beat them furiously. If you hear any screams, moans, squishes, or growls, then something is hiding in your back seat. Slam the door closed and run.
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6. Having Sex During A Crisis
When you’re being chased by aliens, monsters or killer robots, it’s usually a good idea to keep your clothes on and not waste precious get-away time by rolling around naked with someone on the floor. Monsters love killing people just before they reach the height of passion. And why shouldn’t they? The whole “being a monster” thing kind of precludes them from having a fulfilling love life. If they can’t be happy, then neither can you. And the only thing that could make being killed by a monster worse is having someone find your naked body in a compromising position. Where is the dignity in that?
Do this instead: If the urge somehow strikes you in the middle of a horror crisis, go online and rent a room in a location that is at least 2000 miles away from where you already are. If you can get there alive, then you can stop for sex. But just keep in mind that if you’re a guy and you impregnate the woman you’re with, that means the mother of your unborn child just increased her chances of surviving by transitioning from an average booty call to a radiant mother-to-be. You, on the other hand, just doubled your chances of getting killed by whatever is chasing you. The only people who are more likely to die in a horror movie than two naked co-eds are men who just passed on their seed. But don’t worry. She’ll wind up giving birth to your son and he will one day avenge you.
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“Mommy! Mommy! There’s a dead boy floating outside my window!”
7. Ignoring The Kids
When your kid says he saw something outside his window, don’t assume he was dreaming and don’t run outside to check. Whenever people ignore warning signs from their children, that’s when they wind up being eaten by monsters or targeted for death by creatures that only their kids can see.
Do this instead: When your kid reports monsters in the yard, post a Curb Alert on Craigslist, saying you have a new 56″ HD-TV out on the curb for anybody who wants it. Within 30 minutes, you’ll have at least 50 people outside of your house looking for the free TV. If one of them gets eaten by a monster, then your child was right. You might also be able to get in the car and escape while the monster is chowing down on one of the people who came looking for the free TV.
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This isn’t how you want your vacation videos to end!
8. Going Into The Water
The best way to ruin a good summer vacation is to be floating around on an inner tube when a hungry school of piranhas attack your butt and pull you through the center of the inner tube. Just imagine screaming and flailing your arms and legs in the air while something bites chunks out of your back side before you get sucked through a cheap, inflatable piece of plastic. What a humiliating way to go! It doesn’t matter if the body of water is a pool, a lake, the ocean, or a foot of water in a dark sewer. Chances are there is something in the water that isn’t supposed to be there and it’s going to try to eat you. You can’t assume you’re safe standing near the water either because that’s when you’ll come face to face with the one giant mutant shark in the world that figured out how to hop on land to secure a meal. Crocodiles can snap off your leg while you’re on shore and a giant octopus can grab you off a boat and drag you down to the murky deep.
Do this instead: Plan your vacation to a location that is a safe distance away from any large bodies of water… like Kansas. Keep your pool water crystal clear and check it for alligators before jumping in. If you simply must hit the shore on your vacation, make sure you only swim surrounded by people who look more appetizing to a shark than you do. That includes anyone wearing shiny objects that would attract the attention of a shark or anyone wearing a black swim suit that makes them look like a tasty seal. Make sure you never approach water or leave dry land without first stopping by the nearest sporting goods store to buy a harpoon or a crossbow. It could save your life.
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9. Throwing Your Empty Gun At A Villain
If you empty a 9 mm into the chest of an approaching inhuman creature and it doesn’t do a thing, don’t expect to do much more damage by hurling the gun at the creature. Let’s do the math. If a bullet fired out of a gun traveling over 600 miles per hour isn’t going to harm an inhuman creature, then chances are you’re not going to be able to hurl the gun hard enough to do any damage. Even if you were a major league baseball pitcher, at best, you’d be able to throw that gun up to 105 miles per hour. That won’t do more damage than a bullet.
Do this instead: Keep the gun and when the creature grabs you, use it to poke the creature in the eye. Then he’ll likely recoil in pain and drop you. That’s when you run. It’s much easier to escape a creature with only one good eye because he’ll have no depth perception and may likely run right into a tree while chasing you.
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“Hell, no! Put it back, you creepy child! I’ll buy you a Furby instead!”
10. Bringing Strange Antiques Into Your Home
Whether you inherit the strange relic from your sweet, blue-haired granny or stumble upon it on the $1 table at a yard sale, it’s best to assume that anything old with strange writing on it is probably going to cause you nothing but grief, especially if it’s a mysterious old box with no key, some type of weapon from the Dark Ages, a creepy old baby doll, or a dusty book written in hieroglyphs. Any of the above will probably bring screaming horror into your life. The last thing you want to do is read any books anyone left you in their will because doing so will undoubtedly raise a zombie army hungry for brains. And if you inherit an entire house, it’s a safe bet that it sits on a doorway to some nether dimension that opens once every 100 years and that 100 years just happens to fall on the date you set for your housewarming party.
Do this instead: Avoid yard sales at all costs. Whenever someone leaves you anything in their will, have the lawyers liquidate it and send you a check for the value instead. If they can’t sell it, call in some snooty university expert to analyze it. That way, if the object is going to release evil upon the world, it will get the expert first and you’ll have plenty of time to get out of town when you realize he is no longer returning your calls. If you decide to keep any dolls or puppets, lock them in a cage until you are sure they aren’t going to come to life and attack you.